A Matter of Who I Am: Cp 33

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A Matter of Who I Am
Chapter Thirty-Three

(Namill)

My body tried to state a thrill in the experience of again gorging itself on the bodily juices of my victims. I however found the taste disgusting. While I felt immense satisfaction in the sustenance, I fought to think back on what I might have done in my earlier days to have improved the flavor. My experience however told me that back then I simply reveled in the victory feast without considering other facets of the meal.

Thoughts on the flavor of my food had me consider that Marekel had won. I however realized that any answer would not be easy. My life had not been infused with good or reduced the intensity of my evil nature. What had happened was that I had grown as a being, and now I saw the complexities of my situation. I found myself having to accept that Marekel had not won, but he had simply allowed me to grow into something more than what I was.

I really was not more powerful. Those who might oppose me were however easily recognized as having certain weaknesses that I could exploit. I killed and ate eager to prove my superiority. Sensing that others prepared to face the challenge that had entered their territory, I could not help but make the plans to assure their doom as well. While I might not have been more powerful, I saw nothing preventing me from regaining what I had lost.

The one foe I knew I could not easily reduce to a mass of flesh to be devoured was Marekel. That thought alone was enough to have me pause and consider my life with him in Chaliger. I had food there that had flavor. I had protection from the weather. I had a bed that provided me with comfort. While I could do things to claim the latter two blessings, in eating again I thought of the meals I had in Chaliger. I had to pause while considering that feasting on Marekel’s body would not have the flavors I had come to enjoy, and that had me wishing for a different fate for him than a meal.

A voice I remembered from my past, and occasionally could be heard as a distant disturbance to my thoughts, rang clear as it said, “And the girl. You will need to eat the girl.”

I did not argue with it, although I felt it could sense my determination not to consider the thoughts. Honestly, I had already come to a decision about Ulemai. Should I kill her, or even should she die, I would in that instant become nothing more than a monster. I thought about her creation. The one that I had seduced to gain the seed that had me become pregnant. She was an accomplishment, a reward to myself. I however now could not argue with those that spoke of children as being a blessing. If I reduced myself to tearing down even the gifts I had claimed to show my own mastery of my life, I could only determine that I had considered only the lower depths of existence to be my life.

Wondering how soon I would need to confront the issue of facing my daughter, I traveled along the best route for reaching my objective. It surprised me to find no sensations of them following me. No indications of anyone seeking to find me. Wondering about what decisions they were making, I thought back on what I knew of Marekel.

He had not spoken of coming through the valley. While it was the best route for regular travel, he did not speak at all of making a regular journey. Marekel did not look for easy answers, but would face his problems directly with no fear of the complications he might have to deal with. I thought back on what plans had been discussed, and realized that my place in the valley would not have me encounter those who troubled my past and might affect my future.

I did not consider staying. In the valley I would become nothing but a monster. Maybe not in truth, and Ulemai would stay safe, but my existence would be nothing more than a threat to those in the area. This was a regular route, so those who sought the protection of the people would seek to remove the creatures that considered those civilized as prey. All I would become to them was a difficulty of travel. At best I would become something to appease, a malignancy that they would medicate hoping for an eventual cure. Thinking where it would be best to go, I found myself accepting that I could consider only one destination.

My thoughts turned to the plans I had originally designed. What had changed was my method of getting to the Spring of Cormorphin. No longer could I trust in the protection of Marekel and his supporters, but I would need to get there on my own. Those who might oppose my own advance however did not trouble me, as with just a few kills I knew that I had developed gifts that gave me the advantage. Marekel was my only concern, as he had also grown in talents. I had started this journey considering plans on how I might reduce those working against me, and thought back on my original designs with the intent of still putting those schemes into operation.

Thinking that I would be the one to remove the monsters from the valley did not have me think of myself as good. The deed would not give me the reputation of being a good creature, but of being a powerful monster. That was what had driven me to seek the source of power of the pool. I sought the honor of being the one to claim an important locale. Before I actually knew little of what the pool truly was. This time I not only knew of its power, but understood the threat that would seek to overcome me. I ate the monsters I detected not to assert myself as a dominant entity, but only to have food to sustain me on my way to my true goal.

Moving through the canopy provided a feast. My body found the nourishment to swell to the proportions that I remembered. I reveled in my feminine form as the wrinkles smoothed out and my breasts no longer sagged. The hair on my head did lose its softness and body, although I could not remember anyone complaining about it. Where hair was supposed to grow below, now started the scales as my waist provided the joints for eight legs. The grand abdomen was green with a yellow design that I felt certain reflected the identity of who I had committed myself to long ago. I however watched as I spun a web and noticed that the lines were extremely thin, although easily supported my form reflecting the true strength presently in the pact. I however felt the connection still existing as a voice came to me upon seeing something beneath the canopy.

“Kill them.”

“No,” I calmly replied. “I am presently full, and what they will provide is not what I need.”

“Not what you need?”

“I needed the vile juices of others to restore my own corrupted form.” Hoping to appease the one who wanted to claim it was my master, I added, “It is back to being glorious. I am ready to rest. Maybe if they are still present later.”

“You will then hunt them down and kill them!”

“I will not.”

“Have you grown defiant?”

I laughed at those words. He had never been my master. I considered the entity more of a sponsor. While I had accepted duties, I kept taking advantage of opportunities to increase my power. It had been his suggestion that I seek out the Spring of Cormorphin, and I had complied more mystified than any desire to be obedient. I laughed letting the entity know that I was no more his tool than I had ever been.

“I am still what I was. I did not go away as a defeated slave, and have not returned seeking to plead with you to accept me back.”

“So, you think you have control?”

Those words did not threaten me. I found myself settling thinking over the possibilities of my life. Strangely, I considered becoming the mother of my daughter and part of Marekel’s family to be an agreeable option. I spoke my words intending for my sponsor to consider his decisions.

“I do not think of myself as a slave. Still, what is your desire for me?”

“I want others to fear me. As my –“ I felt the pause as he sought the right term. “Disciple, I expect others to fear you as well.”

“I assure you that they do. Only because they think themselves as powerful as well do they not run from me. They however fully accept the danger of coming before me.”

“I can tell that you have not returned humbled.”

“Humbled? No, I am not humbled.” I now took time to think over my own words. “Understanding. The time I was away I gained understanding. There is a lot I did not know.”

“You will defeat them.”

“They were not humbled either. There is a future being decided here.”

“And how about me?”

I had to confess, “You have not entered my thoughts. My relationship with you has not troubled me.”

“Then let me offer you a place as my wife.”

There was a time I would have jumped at that offer. My desire however drained away as I realized how submissive I would need to become. The thought of bearing children as a spider actually revolted me, and I sought Ulemai’s father wanting to prove myself as still having human qualities. The love he gave me pleased me, although I ate him after feeling his seed growing within me having no more desire for him. The child however had changed me, and I considered the offer wondering about what more changes I desired for myself.

I replied, “I was satisfied before, and I feel I will be satisfied regaining my place.”

“We are not creatures of satisfaction.”

“You just told me not to accept your offer of matrimony.”

I did sense a moment of shock before my sponsor asked, “What are your intentions?”

“You cannot know what I have gone through. I must wait and see what happens here.”

“You think you might not win?”

“I believe my victory will not be as clear as what I am doing here. Marekel and those I face are serious threats. I cannot win if all I consider is feasting on their warm corpses.”

“Then I will leave you to your plans.” I really could not believe my sponsor said that, and was further surprised to hear, “Namill, I have never given up on you.”

I could not help but admit, “I sensed you over the years, but never angry or condemning.”

“Do you think they will kill you?”

That was a question that actually had me think, although I quickly had to admit certain truths about the complexity of those that opposed me. “Some want nothing less. Others, I am uncertain about. Some I would enjoy feasting on their warm bodies, while others I believe would please me more if I could see them humbled.”

“Thoughts like that is what makes me glad to have you in my service. The offer of becoming my wife will presently stay available.”

“I would have to kill and eat your other wives.”

He laughed, then said, “Depending on how things go, I might invite you to my own feast. Still, in whatever capacity you continue, you will continue as mine.”

I thought upon how thin the marks were on my body, although the strength of my own fine strands had me consider the bond I made with the one that changed me, as I replied, “If I am to be your wife then you will have to accept that you are mine as well.”

“That will be an accomplishment. Sleep well, Namill.”

While Namill feeds, Jelnaya and her group continues to travel.